Usually i feel sad because I'm lonely or I don't know about mom. One piece of special advice a friend reminded me is that she is always in my heart, which is encouraging because it is true. She will always live on in my heart.
Moreover, I'm not ready for close, personal relationships because I'm a piece of crap that misses out on nuances. I can't give 100% because I am not mentally or emotionally available. Until mom is found I fear I'm kind of spaced out. I can't do anything else because I've contacted the police and private investigators and they are searching with all the details I've given them. She's at a cold case. Faith is the only thing that gives me the light of hope to hold on. I could lose my mind not knowing what has happened to her. But all I can do is place it on God's hands and let him fight for me. (1 Peter 5:6-7; Exodus 14:14)
I have many restless nights. Many times i toss and turn in bed thinking about what I've forgotten and remembering what used to be. By the time I realize the hour it's 2:15 a.m. and not 11 p.m. my medicine calms me down and helps me doze off to sleep. I usually stay asleep at that point but if I don't take it I will miss out on so much sleep and become a cranky pants.
Speaking of cranky pants, I've been searching and searching for employment. I have student loans and debts to pay of.... Just like everyone else but no one is willing to take me. I feel like is so unfair. I can't take this too personal as dad says. Will anyone be willing to give me a job to help me pay off my college fees? I'm $800 under and need my official transcripts and my bachelor's diploma to prove my status and get into graduate school. I want to do documentary photogprahy.
I guess it's the system. Not to mention this pandemic and the Martial Law we're about to be swept under can make matters worse. I feel so sleepy.
Most nights when i can't sleep, i realize i start to write a lot more. I've been writing more blogs and i have a book i want to write too. The only motivation i get out of it is if i approach it as a blog. Calling it a book is too formal and bores me, haha. It'll be a biography. People keep telling me to write about my life because I have a story to tell. Many times i thought my life was too boring to write about and so i never had anything to say when people asked me to talk about myself. I felt that was too humiliating. However, for the sake of being more relatable i will make a biogrophy.
On another note, i want to write some novels. Those sound more attractive to me as i would write some Christian romance novels. However my romantic life is not where I want it to be. Obviously, there's no rush and i wouldn't blame him for leaving me especially if I'm in space all day. Honestly, i don't know what I'll do until they find my mom and i can have some closure. I was in love once but he left me. It's really a long story and not something I want to get into right now as I have so many problems in this life. I just need some closure and time to reflect. I know I have potential for so much more.
Any ideas for some books? I like the idea of some romance novels, coming of age stories, singles adventures. It would be fun to invent some characters. There are some great free apps on the market, like Auctor, that help you invent characters. They are so specific it's eerie.
Anyway, i digress. It's almost 3 a.m. and all I want to do is write. I might even make a photography book. Who knows. Any ideas? Suggestions are welcome.
Sleep finally beacons... Good night
No comments:
Post a Comment