How to be a good Christian

Honestly, I can't tell you because I feel like I am the worst of them. Sometimes I feel that I am a disappointment. Like i don't pray hard enough, like i don't believe enough, that I'm not good enough, that I'm not available enough for others. 

Partly, that's due to the trauma that my family experienced five years ago when my mother went missing. She has history of bipolarism and schizophrenia. She didn't know how loved she was. One day she was coming down from up north to visit my brother and I in Florida but her purse was found on the beach and her car was impounded on I95 with no trace of her. To this day we still dont know what has happened to her and i fear she has passed away. Everyday is a shock as i wake up to realizing that my mom is not here and I don't know how to internalize her absence. The only way I can stay calm is by faith in Jesus Christ that she is in his good hands. Even though I still feel like a failure of a Christian. Like people will point their fingers at me and judge my family because we don't know where my mom is. 

Everyday i feel alone with out her guidance. And after talking to and meeting some people around the world i realize that i have to fight for my own place in the world because no one else is going to do it for me. 

Dad is among the voices of comfort who speaks peace into my heart when he tells me. "You are good enough" Don't pay attention to those people who might judge you about your mother. You are a fighter and you're not fighting this battle alone. Just give it to God and know that even if she has passed she is with the Lord. 1 Thessalonians 4:14

So that's what I do. I give it to the Lord and wait for closure to finally release my mom and let her live or rest in peace as she is meant to be. 

Even though I am a bad Christian, i keep playing worship songs on my guitar. I keep praying and i don't give up faith. I keep hoping, taking pictures and painting. I have to keep going for her and hope that i will see her again one day in the arms of our Savior Jesus Christ. 

There is a French saying that I found that rings true to where I am in life right now. <<Chacun voit midi à sa porte>> which literally means everyone sees afternoon at their door. It translates to everyone has their own way of seeing things in life. Or everyone's story is unique to their own. 

So this is my battle as i wake up to a new day. I share these experiences with you because I know we're all going through something but we're not alone. Giving up is not an option. 

Maranatha "Jesus is coming soon"